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1. |
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Oh the night that Paddy Murphy died, is a night I'll never forget
Some of the boys got loaded drunk, and they ain't got sober yet;
As long as a bottle was passed around every man was feelin' gay
O'Leary came with the bagpipes, some music for to play
That's how they showed their respect for Paddy Murphy
That's how they showed their honour and their pride;
They said it was a sin and shame and they winked at one another
And every drink in the place was full the night Pat Murphy died
As Mrs. Murphy sat in the corner pouring out her grief
O’Kelly and his gang came tearing down the street
They went into an empty room and a bottle of whiskey stole
They put the bottle with the corpse to keep that whiskey cold
At two o'clock in the morning after empty'ing the jug
They’d open up that ice box lid to see poor Paddy's mug
Of all the sights I’d ever seen that made me shake with fear.
They took that ice right off the corpse and put it in their beer!
They stopped the hearse on Winchell Street outside Sundance Saloon
They all went in at half past eight and staggered out at noon
They went up to the graveyard, so holy and divine;
Found out when they got there, they'd left the corpse behind!
Oh the night that Paddy Murphy died, is a night I'll never forget
Some of the boys got loaded drunk and they ain't been sober yet;
As long as a bottle was passed around every man was feelin' gay
O'Leary came with the bagpipes, some music for to play
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2. |
Maids When You're Young
02:45
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An old man came courting her, Hey din dourm dah
An old man came courting her , Her being Young.
An old man came courting her, feign would he marry her
Maids when you're young never wed an old man
For he's got no falorum hay din dorum dah
For he's got no falorum, her being young.
He's got no faloorum, he's lost his ding doorum
Maids when you're young, never wed an old man
Now when they went to our bed, hey din dorum dah
Now when they went to our bed, her being young
When they went to bed, he laid like he was dead.
Maids when you're young never wed an old man
She threw her leg over him, hey din dorum dah.
She threw her leg over him, her being young
She threw her legs over him, damn well near smothered him.
Maids when you’re young, never wed an old man!
I’ll skip the next verse for it’s far too dirty.
I’ll skip the next verse few we’re all too young!
I’ll skip the next verse or your virgin ears may burst.
Maids when you’re young, never wed an old man.
Now when he went to sleep, hey do a dority
Now when we went to sleep, me being young
When we went to sleep, out of bed I did creep
Into the arms of a handsome young man
And I found his falodoorum, fa didle dodoorum
I found his faloodoorum, fa didle all day
I found his falodoorum and he got my dingdoorum
So maids when you're young never wed an old man
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3. |
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Bob Rivers
Lacy things are my mission.
Didn't ask, for permission.
I'm wearing the clothes,
The silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.
In the store, there's a teddy.
With little straps, like spaghetti.
It fits me just right
Like handcuffs at night.
Walking around in women’s underwear
I’d like to do a boudoir shoot with Melvin.
I look good when wearing Cercei’s crown.
He'll ask "Are you ready?"
I'll say, "Woah man! Let’s wait until I fit into the gown!"
Later on, if I wanna,
I’ll dress up like Lady Gaga,
I’m not afraid to put on eyeshade
Walking around in women's underwear.
There’s no shame in kink or cosplay.
I’ll dress up and do it my way.
I’ll put on those tights that cup my butt cheeks just right
And I will simply call them underwear!
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4. |
Shaving Cream
03:10
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I write dirty songs for a living,
And often they are quite the hit.
And sometimes I think they are brilliant,
But the audience thinks that they’re…
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen
Tonight I will sleep in the doghouse.
My girlfriend she pitched such a fit.
She asked if I liked her French cooking,
And I said that I’d rather eat…
I said to my Starbucks Barista,
I hate to be picking a nit.
I ordered a grande skim latte)
And you gave me this cup full of…
My grandfather died in the bathtub.
He died from a terrible fit.
According to Grandmother’s wishes,
He was buried in six feet of …
Last night after both sixty-nining,
I wanted to play with her tit.
But when I reached over to grab one
All I got was a handful of...
I cut back on my masturbation
An incident helped me to quit
But during my ejaculation
I shot out a big wad of....
And now folks my song it is ended.
I think it is time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended
Stick your head in a bucket of..
I said to my boss just this morning
Your management style’s full of it.
Your head is so far up your ass
It’s a wonder it’s not full of…
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5. |
The Lusty Young Smith
03:29
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A lusty young smith at his vise stood a-filing,
His hammer laid by but his forge was aglow,
When to him a buxom young damsel came smiling
And asked if to work at her forge he would go.
Jingle bang, jingle bang, jingle bang, jingle,
Jingle bang, jingle bang, jingle, hi ho!
Jingle bang, jingle bang, jingle bang, jingle,
Jingle bang, jingle bang, in and out go.
“I will,” said the smith, and they went off together,
Along to the young damsel's forge they did go.
They stripped to go to it, 'twas hot work and hot weather;
She kindled a fire and she soon made him glow.
Her husband, she said, no good work could afford her;
His strength and his tools were worn out long ago.
The smith said, “Well mine are in very good order,
And now I am ready my skill for to show.”
Red hot grew his iron, as both did desire,
And he was too wise not to strike while 'twas so.
Quoth she, “What I get, I get out of the fire,
Then prithee, strike hard and redouble the blow.”
Six times did his iron by vigorous heating,
Grow soft in her forge in a minute or so,
And as often was hardened, still beating and beating,
But each time it softened, it hardened more slow.
The smith then would go; quoth the dame, full of sorrow,
“Oh, what would I give could my husband do so!
Good lad, with your hammer come hither tomorrow,
But, pray, can't you use it once more ere you go?”
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6. |
Raise a Toast
03:19
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Reilly walked in and said with a grin
as he walked across the floor
You men all think that you’re big drinkers
but I can down more than any before.
Connor McReary that caught his ear
And he turned his head about.
“That sounds like a dare, I’ll pull up a chair”
then we heard the barman shout:
Let’s raise a toast
Let’s raise a toast
We’ll all go to hell if the stories we tell
Contain tall-tale or boast.
Let’s raise a toast
Let’s raise a toast
We’ll sit right here and drink our beer
with the ones we love the most.
Captain Jack Tar stepped up to the bar
and began to soliloquize:
I thought I should mention: Those pirates were Frenchmen
that thought we were an easy prize.
They shot without warning, it went until morning
We sank their ships thirty three!
So drink up me hardies, from mugs cups and yardies.
this next round of drinks is on me!
Chorus
It happened right then, at twenty past ten,
the Devil walked in the door.
She grabbed a bottle of Angel’s Envy
And then began to pour.
Saw fear in our face as she surveyed the place
So she thought our fears she’d quell:
“I’m not here from below to bargain for souls;
I just can’t get good bourbon in Hell!”
Chorus
Sadly my friends this story must end
For now my tale is through.
I think you should know from the depths of my soul;
I swear that every word’s true.
Whoever you are you’ve got friends in this bar,
And we’ve all got a tale to tell.
So get up off yer ass and raise up your glass
and in a loud voice just yell
Chorus
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7. |
Itches in me Britches
02:59
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I was born of Jordy parents,
I was their favorite son.
That Southern Squire and his wife gave me their native tongue
That I was a pretty baby me mother she would vow
The girls all ran to kiss me then:
I wish they'd do it now.
Oh, I wish they'd do it now.
Oh, I wish they'd do it now.
I've got itches in me britches
and I wish they'd do it now.
Well, when I was only one year old
the girls would handle me
They'd clutch me to their bossoms
and they'd bonce me on their knee
They would rock me in the cradle
and if I made a rau
They'd tickle me, they'd cuddle me-
I wish they'd do it now.
(Chorus)
Well, at 10 years old a finer lad never could be seen
The girls all liked to follow me
right down to the green
They would make a chain of buttercups
and drop it on me brow
Then they'd roll me in the clover
Well, I wish they'd do it now.
(Chorus)
Well, the eastern girls would call for me
to swim when it was mild
Down to the river we would go
and splash about a while
They would through the water over me
and dunk me like a sow
Then they'd rub me nice all over,
Well, I wish they'd do it now.
(Chorus)
Now twenty years have come and gone,
and I am in my prime.
I’m takin’ matters in me hand,
ain’t wastin’ no more time.
I’ll go down to the dock tonight,
give Maggie May my vow:
Her services for fifty quid.
I wish I didn’t now!
Oh I wish I didn’t now.
Oh I wish I didn’t now.
I’ve got itches in me britches
And I wish I didn’t now.
Oh I wish I didn’t now.
Oh I wish I didn’t now.
I’ve got itches in me britches
And I wish I didn’t now.
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8. |
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Last Friday night, I went lookin’ for Miss Right, or looking for Miss Right-Now.
For those who weren't there my tale I will share and every word’s true this I vow.
I was feeling quite bleak at the end of the week, and went to the bar with me pay.
I walked through that door marched right across the floor, I’d look for the baran and ]say:
Pour me a Whiskey, Richard.
Just two fingers will do.
It’ll help me unwind and then in no time
I’ll chat up a woman or two, m’friend.
Chat up a woman or two.
Richard, like a pro, grabs a bottle lets it flow and he sets the glass in front of me.
The whiskey’s caramel brown so I take it, slam it down then across the bar what do I see?
As if on cue drinking’ Tullamore Dew a lass with a glint in her eye.
With a drink to calm me nerves that’ll loosen my reserves, well I think that I’ll give this a try.
Chorus
She threw back her drink in barely a blink and then she threw a glance my way.
Then to my surprise she started to rise and approached like a cat stalking her prey.
She said with a grin “My name’s Elenore Lynn and you look like just what I need.
So what do you think, we finish this drink then I take you back home with me.”
Chorus
We had barely left the bar and we hadn’t gone far till her hand brushed across my thigh.
All the ride home her hands started to roam, this lass with the glint in her eye.
Were barely though her door when she threw me to the floor, and she ripped off everything but my tie.
Well who would have thought I had too many shots; I couldn’t get my peter to rise.
Thanks for the whiskey, Richard.
Thanks for the whiskey dick.
I’m embarrassed to say, much to my dismay
That whiskey gave me a flaccid prick, m’friend.
That whiskey gave me a flaccid prick.
Thanks for the whiskey, Richard.
Though limp I wasn't yet done.
It wasn’t my night, but it ended all right
I finished her off with my tongue, m’friend.
I finished her off with my tongue.
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9. |
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I am just a bashful boy, in love with Mary Green,
She really is the sweetest gal that I have ever seen.
I've always lacked the courage to even squeeze her tight,
But I've resolved to do my stuff when I see her tonight.
I'm gonna give it to Mary with love,
I've got something that she's fondest of;
Now I know that she
has had it before,
And Mary's a girl that all the fellas adore.
I'll let her take it right in her hand,
'Cause I know that she'll stroke it so grand.
Like Jack and Jill,
We'll both get a thrill
When I give it to Mary with love, (my little kitten,)
I'll give it to Mary with love.
I'm gonna give it to Mary with love,
She's my sweet cute turtle dove.
About my lovin'
she's always been keen,
She'll say, when I give it, it's the finest she's seen!
She'll think of it long after I'm gone,
I'm gonna put it right where it belongs,
Like Cleo and Mark,
We'll spoon in the park
When I give it to Mary with love, I mean a necklace!
I'll give it to Mary with love.
I'm gonna give it to Mary with love,
When I do it I may need a shove!
Because, you see,
I'm so bashful and shy,
I'm afraid she'll take it from some other guy.
I wanna be her number one man,
And give it the best that I can;
I'll be darin' and dashin',
For she is my passion,
When I give it to Mary with love, I mean a diamond!
I'll give it to Mary with love!
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10. |
Isn't it Grand
03:30
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Look at the Coffin; with golden handles.
Isn’t it grand boys, to be bloody well dead?
Let’s not have a sniffle, let’s have a bloody good cry.
And always remember: the longer you live the sooner you bloody well die.
Look at the flowers, all dead and withered.
Isn’t it grand boys, to be bloody well dead?
Look at the Vicar, Bloody Santimonious
Isn’t it grand boys, to be bloody well dead?
Look at the widow: suddenly available.
Isn’t it grand boys, to be bloody well dead?
Look at the mourners: all chasing the widow
Isn’t it grand boys, to be bloody well dead?
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11. |
Morning Glory
02:21
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At the end of the day, i like a little drink to raise up me voice and sing
and an hour or two with a fine, brown brew and i'm ready for anything
at the cross keys inn there were sisters four, the landlord's daughters fair
and every night when they'd turn out the light i would tiptoe up the stair, singin'
one for the morning glory,
two for the early dew
three for the man who will stand his round
and four for the love of you, me girl,
four for the love of you
I got the call from a foreign shore to go and fight the foe
and i thought no more of the sisters four, but still i was sad to go
i sailed away on a ship, the morning glory was her name
and we'd all fall down when the rum went 'round, then get up and start again
Chorus
Well I bore once more for my native shore,farewell to the raging seas
and the cross keys inn,it was beckonin',and me heart was filled with glee
for there on the shore were the sisters four with a bundle upon each knee
there were three little girls and a bouncing boy, and they all looked just like me...
Chorus
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12. |
The Moose Song
04:11
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When I started high school, was an innocent lad;
Didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, or do anything bad.
But then I heard stories of wild sex and booze;
And a disturbing song about sex with a moose.
Moose, moose, I like a moose.
I’ve never had anything quite like a moose.
I’ve had many lovers, my life has been loose.
But I’ve never had anything quite like a moose.
When I'm in the mood for a very good lay
I go to the closet and get me some hay
And I go to the window and spread it around
For the mooses will come when there's hay on the ground
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose!
Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it’s not the same when you slam their caboose
As the feeling you get when you screwing a moose!
And there have been times, a moose can’t be found
And that's why I carry their pictures around
So when I'm alone, I don't hesitate
I’ve got one to look at while I masturbate
So went off to heaven, my soul sailed away.
I’ll stand at those gates, with a bale of fresh hay
And when they inquire, as to my grin;
I’ll end up in hell humping mooses again
Now it has been said that what I did was wrong.
But if that is the case, why did they write this song?
A moose as a partner is misunderstood
And if you haven't tried it, Then maybe you should
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13. |
Second Favorite Man
03:08
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Music & Lyrics by Susie Davis and Jeff Greenwald
© 2017 / All Rights Reserved
Well I met her at a party near the hot tub and the beer
Our connection sparkled like a crystal chandelier
Her playful smile and bedroom eyes put visions in my head
But then she introduced me to the man who shares her bed
I hung my head in sorrow and turned away to fill my plate
She said, “Hey Baby, don’t you look so sad – just ask me for a date!
My man and I just don’t subscribe to guilt or jealousy”
So I took her invitation, and the rest is history
I don’t care if my preacher and my friends don’t understand
Sometimes love works better with an extra ampersand
Well I know it ain’t perfect, but I’m taking it in hand
‘Cause she’s my favorite woman, and I’m her second favorite man.
She’s my favorite woman and I’m her second favorite man
I won’t pretend this kind of love is easy to achieve
But I’m crazy about Sharon, and I like her boyfriend, Steve
Now, we don’t go for threesomes, though there’s nothing wrong with that
But we share our beer and bourbon, and one frisky jungle cat.
I don’t care if my rabbi and my friends don’t understand
Sometimes love works better with an extra ampersand
Well I know it ain’t perfect, but I’m taking it in hand
‘Cause she’s my favorite woman, and I’m her second favorite man.
She’s my favorite woman and I’m her second favorite man
Now we’re cuddlin’ in her Camry, and I can’t believe my luck
I not only get to kiss her – we even get to …
buckle up our seatbelts, and drive into the future holding hands
My very favorite woman, with her second favorite man.
My very favorite woman, with her second favorite man
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Ménage à Moi Comedy Chicago, Illinois
Humorously indecent. Always discreet. The top-shelf comedy stylings of Ménage À Moi pair nicely with either a cooling beer or a warming tequila shot. Come for the liberated, inclusive camaraderie. Stay for the belly laughs, new friends, and an organic unpredictability that ensures every show is unique. ... more
