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1. |
The Irish Ballad
03:06
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About a maid we’ll sing a song,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
About a maid we’ll sing a song
Who didn't have her family long.
Not only did she do them wrong,
She did ev'ryone of them in, them in,
She did ev'ryone of them in.
One morning in a fit of pique,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
One morning in a fit of pique,
She drowned her father in the creek.
The water tasted bad for a week,
And we had to make do with gin, with gin,
We had to make do with gin.
Her mother she could never stand,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
Her mother she could never stand,
And so a cyanide soup she planned.
The mother died with a spoon in her hand,
And her face in a hideous grin, a grin,
Her face in a hideous grin.
She set her sister's hair on fire,
Sing rickety-tickety-tin,
She set her sister's hair on fire,
And as the smoke and flame rose high'are,
Danced around the funeral pyre,
Playin' a violin, -olin,
Playin' a violin.
She weighted her brother down with stones,
Rickety-tickety-tin,
She weighted her brother down with stones,
And sent him off to davy jones.
All they ever found were some bones,
And occasional pieces of skin, of skin,
Occasional pieces of skin.
One day when she had nothing to do,
rickety-tickety-tin,
One day when she had nothing to do,
She cut her baby brother in two,
And served him up as an Irish stew,
And invited the neighbors in, -bors in,
Invited the neighbors in.
And when at last the police came by,
rickety-tickety-tin,
And when at last the police came by,
Her little pranks she did not deny,
To do so she would have had to lie,
And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,
Lying, she knew, was a sin.
My tragic tale, I won't prolong,
Rickety-tickety-tin,
My tragic tale, I won't prolong,
And if you do not enjoy the song,
You've yourselves to blame if it's too long,
You should never have let me begin, begin,
You should never have let me begin.
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2. |
Menage a Moi
03:50
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When I was a young lad many hours were spent
Lying in bed pitching my midnight tent.
no one else there to complain or to nag
just me my imagination and a good sturdy rag
Menage a Moi, not deux or trois.
You needn’t have a partner to go very far.
Tonight it’s just me, I and myself
and some special pictures i keep on a high shelf
I once knew a girl who now is my ex
simply because I liked morning sex.
If she awoke before her alarm
She’d threaten me with bodily harm.
Menage a Moi, not deux or trois.
You needn’t have a partner to go very far.
When I awoke feeling quite good
I’d reach down and stroke my morning wood.
Ladies are lucky; they don’t need a boy,
They can reach in their drawer and pull forth a toy.
Some like them big and some like them small
some don’t require any toy at all
Menage a Moi, not deux or trois.
You needn’t have a partner to go very far.
so draw some hot water and perfume the tub
kick back and relax and have a good rub
After many long years I fear I'll forget
the skills that're required to make women wet
But touching myself is like riding a bike.
It's easy and fun, and I know what like.
Menage a Moi, not deux or trois.
You needn’t have a partner to go very far.
Sometimes my left hand, sometimes my right,
Whichever one I choose, it'll be a good night.
Some say i should find a girl of my own
and sometimes i think I aughta'.
Ii found the best girl when i was twelve
Her name is Rosy, with her five lovely daughters
Menage a Moi, not deux or trois.
You needn’t have a partner to go very far.
Loving’s as good as the company you keep
and when its all over i can go off to sleep.
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3. |
Members Only
01:31
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There’s penis, dick, wanker,
Then cock, tally whacker,
And some people call it a dong.
Clam digger, clam hammer
A beef stick, hole-jammer,
A six, or a seven-inch schlong.
Thomas and Peter,
Sir Percy, Pied Piper,
A Johnson, jackhammer, and hog.
Baloney, prick, lizard,
The staff of a wizard,
his magic wand, eel, hot dog.
Anaconda, kielbasa, torpedo,
banana, bald eagle, cucumber, python.
Glister pipe, fiddle stick, fishing rod,
Gear shifter, pecker, bush-whacker, baton.
Boner and winky,
a cyclops, and dicky,
a love gun that fits in her hand.
Spindle or cockatoo
Man Rifle, buckaroo
Or the ‘D’ that women demand.
Tallywag, hussington
Bean tosser, man mutton,
Bald-Pated Friar from Kent
Handle, or doodle
A crupper or noodle,
the pole in your midnight tent.
There’s poinswatter, hamburgler, wangdoodle, netherrod, longfellow, bludgeon, love bone
Barber Pole, wimble, a love truncheon,
And it’s the prick that will make your girl moan.
Candycane, honeystick,
Popcicle, jizzlewick
Some people call it skin flute.
maypole or pizzle,
The hose that may drizzle
His hand is strumming his lute.
Hard-on, bore, tosser,
A spike or his auger
A cannon that blows its load.
Hair curler, toe curler,
Red cap, French Tickler
A Techie calls it his Node.
It’s a ding-a-ling, jiggler
a cutlass, and wiggler,
a bayonet, sweetmeat, parasol.
A Foremast, and aftmast, and pee-pee
And yet there are many more
Which make men’s egos soar.
Here’s a secret for you,
just whatever you do:
you must never say that it’s ‘small!’
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4. |
50 Shades
02:54
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Whips chains and ball gags and black patent leather
Kinks the whole chicken and not just the feather
Tie me down tightly and then make me scream
You’re smiling’ now if you know what I mean
Missionary and doggie if you are vanilla
Much more exotic if you’re in Manila
Sex swings, Ben Wa, balls oh toys are such fun,
Strap yourself in, ‘cause I’ve only begun!
Hand cuffs and hog ties and naughty nurse roleplay.
Threesomes and foursomes and even an orgy.
Tease and denial that drives her berserk.
Touching yourself in the bathroom at work.
Black leather belts,
crops that leave welts,
red and rosy cheeks.
Then popping Viagra and waiting an hour
Until your erection peaks!
Bush-whacking, tush-smacking, sometimes tea-bagging.
Corsets and Cinchers keep nipples from sagging.
Cock rings that tighten around a man’s sack,
G strings that slide right up into her crack.
Anal and oral and trimming the hedges
Blowjobs and dildos and Dirty Sanchez’s.
Rubbers needed I don't want a son.
Choose any hole and it's bound to be fun
Dominants, submissives and some folks are switches.
Chastity belts are worn under men's britches
Lock him up tightly and then keep the keys.
Tighten it down and he'll do as you please.
When the day breaks then my balls ache
Cause I'm thinking of you
Roll over wake up and enjoy the sunrise,
Unless we both sixty nine!
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5. |
Missionary Position
02:04
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Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
When you are not kinky.
There'll be no more riding Cowgirl.
Or Spankings that make your toes curl
You can't even give a whirl.
When you are not kinky.
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
When you are not kinky.
There’ll be no more Taiwan basket,
Do not even think to ask it.
Even if that what blows your gasket
When you are not kinky.
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
When you are not kinky.
So in order to keep her interest
Men you can be a cunning linguist,
but not a cunilingist.
When you are not kinky.
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
When you are not kinky.
Sometimes the missionary position,
Is a welcome intermission.
Until your next expedition.
Even when you are kinky.
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
Only the missionary position,
When you are not kinky.
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6. |
The Vicar & the Frog
01:06
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There once was a good and holy vicar
along the road he made his way.
When all at once he heard a voice,
“Good evening Vicar,” the voice did say
and when he looked to see who spoke
a little frog was on the ground.
“Good evening Frog” said the Vicar
was it you who spoke did you make that sound?
“Oh yes, vicar,” said the frog.
“I'm not really a frog, you see
I am really a little choirboy,
a wicked fairy out a spell on me.
And the only way the spell can be changed
and I turn back,” that little frog said
“Is if somebody takes me and puts me in a place
where a holy man has laid his head.”
So the vicar took the frog and he put him on his pillow
and there they stay till the break of day
and when the cock crowed three times
the wicked fairy’s spell went away.
And there was a choirboy in bed with the vicar
and I hope my tale to you makes sense.
For there, my Lord and members of the jury
Rests my case for the defense
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7. |
The Drunken Scotsman
02:25
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Mike Cross
Key of C
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He stumbled ‘round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle iddle I de oh ring da diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle iddle I de oh ring da diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle iddle I de oh ring da diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle iddle I de oh ring da diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle iddle I de oh ring da diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
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8. |
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And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
All for me beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin with the lassies drinking gin
Far across the western ocean I must wander
Where are me boots, me noggin', noggin' boots?
They're all gone for beer and tobacco
Well the heels they are worn out and the toes are knocked about
And the soles are looking out for better weather
Where are me boots, me high heel hooker boots
I think that they were taken by some asshole.
With a thing for feet and toes , he even took my pantyhose
And I bet he smells them when he’s dressed in leather.
And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
all for me beer and tobacco
Well I earned all me tin with the lads committin’ sin
Far across the western ocean I must wander.
Where is me shirt, my noggin', noggin' shirt?
It's all gone for beer and tobacco
Well the collar is all worn, and the sleeves they are all torn
And the tail is looking out for better weather
Where is me shirt, me low cut satin shirt
last seen it was lying on the floor
cause ya ripped it open wide and then it was flung aside
Now it’s a halter being held on by a tether
And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
all for me beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin with the lassies drinking gin
Far across the western ocean I must wander
Where is me bed, me noggin' noggin bed
It's all gone for beer and tobacco
Well the sheets they are all tore, ‘cause I lent it to a whore
And the springs are looking out for better weather.
I think I could weep ‘cause I haven't gone to sleep
since I first came ashore early last summer
Now I've earned all me dough and the cops want me to go.
Far across the western ocean I must wander.
And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
all for me beer and tobacco
Well I earned all me tin with the lads committin’ sin
Far across the western ocean I must wander.
And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
all for me beer and tobacco
MEN: Well I spent me tin with the lassies drinkin’ gin.
LADIES: Well I earned me tin with the lads committin sin.
BOTH: Far across the western ocean we must wander.
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9. |
The Good Ship Venus
02:47
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My mother she did warn me
those sailors they are horny
“Don’t be a dope and drop the soap”
Or your ass will be all torn-y.
‘Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ , you should ‘av seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed
The mast was a massive penis
The captain's daughter Charlotte
Was born and bred a harlot
Her thighs at night were lily white
By morning they were scarlet
The fiddler’s name was Morgan,
He was a grisly Gorgon,
Three times a day he strummed away
Upon his turgid organ
Chorus
The boatswains name was Seamus
had a trick that made him famous:
He lit the wick on a candlestick
and shoved it up his anus
Although Seamus is pallid
And cannot write a ballad
Give him a change, he’ll do a dance
And then he’ll toss your salad.
That Charlotte was a strumpet
Do anything for a ducat
She’ll shove her fist up to the wrist
And use you like a puppet.
The fencer’s name was Erryol
Your best friend while peril
He had such skill, it was a thill
When your turn in the barrel!
The ship’s cook named O’Malley,
He didn’t dilly dally,
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
It whitewashed half the galley.
The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
he packed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper
Now Charlotte’s thighs are bloody
So Rob said to his buddy,
“Now it ain’t right, but just this night,
I’ll stick it where it’s muddy!”
So now we end this serial
Through sheer lack of material,
We wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases ven-e-real.
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10. |
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Written and Arranged: Jerry Barry
In my youth I served a captain, a stout and hearty man.
I was a lowly cabin boy and the captain’s biggest fan.
He talked to me and taught me about men and death and war,
Sailing and fighting and what my sword was for.
One day in late September while sailing towards the sun.
A ship of fancy Frenchmen turned upon us with their guns.
A cannon shot across the bow and splashed into the sea.
The captain laughed a hero's laugh and then he said to me.
Bring me my red shirt, bring me my red shirt.
I'll gladly laugh at danger and with death I'll surely flirt
I'll meet you on the other side each one of us unhurt
So boy, now go below and bring me my red shirt.
I remained his cabin boy for better than year.
As long as he wore his Scarlett blouse he never seemed to fear
Those filthy fighting Frenchmen who were always on our tail.
The Crimson scourge would rally his men and in battle never fail
Chorus
Then one day I asked him all about his fashion choice
He came in close and winked at me and in a whisper of a voice,
He said “I've been stabbed a hundred times and shot a dozen more.
But it's my job to lead these men in times of peace in time of war.
The Crimson shirt gives the crew the confidence they need
They think I am invincible ‘cause they've never seen my bleed
On white each spot of blood just magnifies their fears
But when I where my red shirt the blood just disappears.”
Chorus
One bright morning He woke and came upon the deck and found
The French had finally caught us and were closing in around.
500 angry Frenchmen on a dozen of king Lois' boats
The captain looked at me and said, and I quote.
Bring me my brown pants, bring me my brown pants.
Look we are surrounded we haven't got a chance,
I think we are in trouble see how quickly they advance
Boy now go below and bring me my brown pants
Bring me my brown pants, bring me my brown pants
I'll be the one with the tears in his eyes, doing the privy dance
Bow and say hello to a new citizen of France
But first boy go below and fetch me my brown pants
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11. |
I Like Beer
02:31
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Tom T. Hall
In some of my songs I‘ve casually mentioned
The fact that I like to drink beer
This little song is more to the point
Roll out the barrel and lend me your ears
[Chorus:]
I like beer, it makes me a jolly good fellow
I like beer, it helps me unwind and sometimes it makes me feel mellow.
Whiskey's too rough, Champagne costs too much, vodka puts my mouth in gear.
This little refrain should help me explain as a matter of fact I like beer
My wife often frowns when we're out on the town
And I'm wearing a suit and a tie
She's sipping vermouth and she thinks I'm uncouth
When I yell as the waiter goes by
[Chorus]
Last night in my dream I passed from the scene
and I went to a place so sublime
Oh, the water was clear and tasted like beer
Then they turned it all into wine
"And I said, Jesus Christ! I know you're the son of God and can walk on water, but stop turning it into wine.”
[Chorus]
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12. |
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Since I still appreciate you,
Let's find love while we may.
Because I know I'll hate you
When you are old and grey.
So say you love me here and now,
I'll make the most of that.
Say you love and trust me,
For I know you'll disgust me
When you're old and getting fat.
An awful debility,
A lessened utility,
A loss of mobility
Is a strong possibility.
In all probability
I'll lose my virility
And you your fertility
And desirability,
And this liability
Of total sterility
Will lead to hostility
And a sense of futility,
So let's act with agility
While we still have facility,
For we'll soon reach senility
And lose the ability.
Your teeth will start to go, dear,
Your waist will start to spread.
In twenty years or so, dear,
I'll wish that you were dead.
I'll never love you then at all
The way I do today.
So please remember,
When I leave in December,
I told you so in May.
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13. |
Chim Chim ChiMoose
02:45
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Moose, moose, I like a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I've had many lovers, my morals are loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
You’ll never have anything quite like a moose.
When I was a young lad I used to like girls,
I'd fondle with their bosoms and play their curls.
Till my girlfriend ran off with a sailor named Bruce, I’ll never be treated that way by a moose.
You’ll never be treated that way by a moose.
Shakespeare he wrote about lovers in need,
of which there are two whom you never shall read.
Hamlet he said, “My man Horatio,
a moose mouth is made for fellatio.”
That mouth it is made for fellatio.
I went to the desert, a Moose for to find.
I only found camels and near lost my mind.
Camels remind me of moose, just a bit.
But moose always swallow, and camels just spit.
Moose they will swallow, and camels will spit!
Ladies you wonder, “Are moose just for men?
A question I’ve heard, time and again.
If the size of my manhood is really what charms,
A moose has a penis as big as my arm.
A moose has a penis as big as my arm!
Moose, moose, I like a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I've had many lovers, my morals are loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
You’ll never have anything quite like a moose.
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14. |
SciFi Nice Guy
03:08
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As you trip and fall into adulthood,
You’ll often hear that ‘nice guys finish last.’
Well that’s alright you see
And I know the girls agree:
A man should finish last, not finish fast.
“I want a nice guy!”
“I’m a nice guy!”
Then by every reckoning and all measure
He may like sci-fi, but by and by,
even more he likes to give you pleasure.
Sexually.
He’s dapper and he dresses very smartly.
Because he knows that Steampunk’s all the rave.
He’s a Jedi in the streets,
But a Sith down in them sheets.
Like Captain Mal, he aims to misbehave.
Then by every reckoning and all measure
He may like sci-fi, but by and by,
even more he likes to give you pleasure.
Orally.
Now ladies you can run and chase your ‘bad boy’
You may or may not get him into bed.
But you’ll find out if you do,
When he’s finished then he’s through.
Then he lies there like he’s bloody good and dead.
Then by every reckoning and all measure
He may like sci-fi, but by and by,
even more he likes to give you pleasure.
Manually.
A nice guy always asks for permission.
Consent is sexy everyone knows that!
Let him grab you by your heels
And he sure to make you squeal,
for he knows just where the clitoris is at.
Then by every reckoning and all measure
He may like sci-fi, but by and by,
even more he likes to give you pleasure.
Sexually.
Orally.
Manually.
Emotionally
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Ménage à Moi Comedy Chicago, Illinois
Humorously indecent. Always discreet. The top-shelf comedy stylings of Ménage À Moi pair nicely with either a cooling beer or a warming tequila shot. Come for the liberated, inclusive camaraderie. Stay for the belly laughs, new friends, and an organic unpredictability that ensures every show is unique. ... more
